As I was scrolling down my news feed on Faceebook, This article caught my attention. The Article states that happy lasting relationships and marriages comes down to two basic traits, Kindness and Generosity. Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson set up “The Love Lab” at the University of Washington. the Psychologists brought newlyweds into the lab and observed them interact with each other. Gottman and Levenson along with other researchers hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked them to speak of their relationship. The electrodes measured the participants’ blood flow, heart rate and how much sweat they produced. After this study the couples were followed up 6 years later to see if they were still together.
From the information gathered, Gotttman seperated the couples into two major groups: the masters (couples that were still happily married after six years) and the disasters (couples that were either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages). When the research was analyzed, there was an apparent difference between the two groups. Although when interviewed, the disasters appeared calmed, their physiology told a different story. their hearts beat fast, their sweat glands were very active, and their blood flow was fast. Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationship deteriorated over time. By contrast, the masters showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together which translated into warm and affectionate behavior even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.
Gottman was interested in how the masters created a culture of love and intimacy and how the disasters jeopardized it. So he created another followup study in 1990. on the University of Washington He created a lab to resemble a bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation. While observing, Gottman made a crucial discovery. couples who were still together “had turned toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Meaning they paid attention to their partner’s emotional needs even if it were minute. Nine times out of ten these people met their partner’s emotional needs.
Gottman found that kindness glues couples together. kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated. a great deal of research has shown that the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves. kindness can be thought of in two ways, a fixed trait: your either have it or you don’t, or you can think of it as a muscle. The muscle of kindness is naturally stronger in some people than others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think of kindness as a muscle. It may be hard to practice kindness sometimes, take for an example during a fight, but that may be the most important time to be kind. letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship. Kindness doesn’t mean don’t express your anger, kindness allows us to choose how we express the anger.
In most marriages, especially today; levels of satisfaction drops significantly within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of generosity and kindness guides them forward.
Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits
Psych 465 